


Torn

by LynHime



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Betrayal, Canon Divergence, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Manga Spoilers, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Slow Build, Spoilers, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-10 03:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11118861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LynHime/pseuds/LynHime
Summary: You found a place in his heart, but he couldn't abandon his mission.





	1. The First Time I Saw You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends, this is my first Shingeki no Kyojin fan fiction. This will mostly follow the original story-line, but is likely to diverge closer to the end. There will be spoilers from both the anime/manga, especially towards the end. There will also likely be some eventual smut; I'll try to make it obvious before it happens if you aren't into that sort of thing!
> 
> Please enjoy and don't hesitate to comment/critique! :)

It was the first night since induction to the Training Corps. After receiving my dorm assignment, I took my measly bag full of my last possessions – A few clothes to wear outside of training in my new military uniform. Instructor Shadis had informed me that I was responsible for keeping it clean. Otherwise, I would be docked marks for looking unkempt.

I tossed my bag onto one of the empty bunks, and made my way to the mess hall, where I was told the meals would be served. The newly nicknamed “potato girl” was running off in the distance, and a couple of bystanders near the entrance of the hall were having a laugh over her earlier antics. I overheard the others begin talking about where they were from. One mentioned being from Shinganshina district; that's when I decided it would be best to head on into the mess hall, not wanting to hear the horrors of that day again. I had heard enough of the rumors that floated around the refuges that had resettled in my hometown of Jinae.

Looking around the hall, I wasn't quite sure where to sit. Most of the tables were filling up, and some people appeared to already know each other. I was handed a tray of stale bread, bean soup, and a steamed potato. Now it was time to find some friends. There was a fairly empty table in the middle, where two girls were already eating their meals. One appeared friendly, the other... not so much, but I decided to take my chances. I did not want to be alone the entire time I was here; it would be a lonesome three years otherwise. Even though, I did know a boy from my hometown was also here. But he and I were more like acquaintances – maybe I would get a chance to know him better now that we're both going to be soldiers.

I steadily made my way towards the table, shot a cordial smile at the two before sitting down. The friendly looking girl, with dark hair and pigtails, quickly introduced herself, “Oh, hello! I'm Mina Carolina.”

The other stared at me through pieces of light blonde hair that shielded her uncaring eyes, and then roughly stated, “Annie Leonhart.”

She returned her attention to her meal, without another word. I of course introduced myself in return, and Mina ensured that the two of us would become fast friends. I would find myself sharing a table with these two throughout the majority of our cadet years.

A small ruckus had broken out, causing Mina to excuse herself to join a table where I noticed a group gathering nearby. Hushed gasps, and an onslaught of questions were being thrown at a boy with short brown hair and green eyes. It was the one who earlier said he was from Shinganshina district. I knew it could only mean that everyone was asking about the events of the darkest day in humanity. I guess I really could not escape those memories; not now that I was a cadet. Everyone was curious of the titans and their dangers. I had to admit, I was curious as well.

After a short silence where the boy seemed to make a light retching noise, he loudly proclaimed, “I'm going to join the Survey Corps, and rid the world of titans!”

A stillness overflowed the tables nearby when the words left his mouth, though most tables in the mess hall were still engrossed in conversation. Annie looked over, as this seemed to pique her interest. It was then, when another dared to speak up and began arguing with the green eyed boy. A short squabble broke out, but it was quickly resolved when the bell tolled, signalling time for the recruits to return to their dormitories.

Annie promptly got up and left the mess hall as the bell echoed.

I wondered how anyone would want to join the Scout regiment, as I cleaned up the dishes from my meal to return to the cafeteria. I could see how it benefited mankind, but it was also so very terrifying. I would likely meet certain death.

 

* * *

 

A few months had passed since I first arrived to the Training Corps. I had known a few of the other cadets now, but spent the majority of my time with Mina. Annie would join us for meals, but otherwise was a bit of a loner. She often ignored any of our invitations to join us in training, and was always trying to slack off. I wondered if she was particularly talented, as she hadn't shown much aptitude yet, asides from easily passing the 3DMG tests. On the other hand, I put my all into the training assignments and worked hard to be relevant. However, I'm definitely not uniquely skilled like some of the others were.

I had managed to stay upright during the 3DMG tests, although I was a bit wobbly. Some of the others were able to do it effortlessly; like Mikasa, Reiner, and Annie. I figure it will come with time, patience, and practice. At least I hadn't made a fool out of myself like Eren initially had – even though that broken clasp was the reason for his inability to stay upright at first.

During dinner that evening, I sat in silence with Annie. Mina was busy talking with Thomas, and I was left alone to engage in conversation with Annie. Most of the conversation was met with one word answers, and her aforesaid callous attitude. I wondered if she thought I was an idiot or a nuisance. She was always so withdrawn and rebuffed most attempts at friendship, even though the two of us shared a bunk in the girl's dorm. She would always keep her distance from me and tuck herself into the corner of the bed. Hardly ever offering even a word of 'good night'.

I noticed across the hall, a boy who had been frequently drifting his line of sight in the direction of our table. I couldn't tell if he was looking towards me, or Annie. He was a tall, lanky boy who was often seen with Reiner. I did not know of his name, as he was also the quiet type who kept to himself. But he must have been a good guy, if he was friends with Reiner. Reiner was exceedingly affable and outgoing. He introduced himself to me and the others on the second night of training, earning himself many pals. Everyone seemed to look up to him already, as he was pretty exceptionally skilled and always trying to lessen the burden for others.

I decided to ask, “Hey Annie, do you know who that tall boy is?”

Annie lifted her head from the lethargic position of resting it in her hand while she ate, and looked over her shoulder. The two must have made eye contact, as the boy abruptly looked down towards his meal; the color draining from his face. Annie nodded her head after a short inspection.

“His name is Bertolt Hoover. We grew up in the same... village,” Annie stated dryly.

“Oh,” I began, “the one deep in the mountains?”

Annie's only response was a nod. I decided to continue asking questions, if she was willing to talk, “Do you know him well?”

“Not really,” She took a sip from her mug. All her responses were curt.

Mina returned to the table, sitting next to me. She began an exuberant retelling of some 3DMG tips that she had overheard Jean talking about, which interrupted the conversation between Annie and I. Annie didn't seem to mind it, so I let it go for now. However, I kept stealing glances at the tall boy across the hall for the rest of the evening.

 

* * *

 

The first time I actually spoke to that tall gangly boy, was when Commander Shadis paired me up with him for close combat training. Somehow the both of us had managed to not find a partner. Mina had abandoned me to go train with Thomas - I think a crush was brewing, but she would never admit it.

The training's objective was to disarm the attacker of his wooden knife and overthrow them in combat. I felt that this exercise was a tiny bit unfair towards me, as this boy was nearly a foot taller in comparison. I could see on his visage as he looked down towards me that he was probably thinking the exact same thought.

“Hello. I'm [Name]. Pleasure to work with you,” I told him with a polite smile.

“I-I'm Bertolt. Nice to work with you too..” he shyly said, while scratching the back of his neck with his palm. It seemed as if he was afraid to make eye contact with me. I hope I didn't come off that intimidating.

Getting right to it, he asked, “So, do you want to go first?” He lifted the wooden knife into my line of sight.

I was hesitant to answer. Either way, I figured there would be no way for me to overtake him. I stuttered out, “U-uhm. I guess so.”

He threw the knife towards me, and I clumsily caught it. I was already feeling the pressure, as he got into the instructed stance. I was nervous, but decided to give it my all. I hastily dashed off towards him, clutching the blade with both hands. When I reached him, he took a long stride out of the way, causing me to lose balance a bit as I tried to redirect my attack. His arm quickly reached below my two outstretched ones and he easily plucked the blade from my grasp.

“Oh wow, I suck,” I stood there absentmindedly, stunned that he was able to out maneuver me so easily. He managed to disarm me without even touching me!

He smiled at my dorkish response, a small sheen of sweat beginning to perforate his brow, “I'm sorry. I'll let you try tackling me this time,” he gently gave the knife back to me, brushing his fingers against mine.

For my second attempt, Bertolt stayed in position, without moving out of the way. I threw my shoulder into his chest, which caused him to make a small 'oof' sound, but his body remained steady. This time I was able to raise the fake blade to his throat. As I readied to run the dull wood against his skin, he snatched my wrist with one hand, which forced me to release my grip on the wooden dagger. I was a bit disappointed, but at least I was able to get close to him this time.

“Okay, okay,” I started, “Let me try to disarm you this time!”

Bertolt nodded, and allowed me time to get into stance, “ready?”

I anxiously nodded, and he began his charge towards me. I wasn't quite sure what to do when I saw him barreling towards me, as I knew his body mass would likely knock me on my ass. I tried stepping out of the way, but Bertolt was able to preemptively guess my movements. I tried to hold his arms away, but he was much stronger. After a brisk struggle, he succeeded on knocking me down.

“Ouch!” I exclaimed when my butt hit the dirt. Bertolt's eyes widened a bit as he realized he'd thrown me to the ground.

“Ahh, I'm sorry,” he leaned over and reached a hand out to help me back to my feet. I gladly took it and raised myself with his support.

“Jeez, you are really strong, it's like you already know what to do,” I told him, as I patted the dirt from my uniform's white jeans. A slight blush crept onto his cheeks.

“N-no, I think it's just the height difference which is making this so much harder for you,” Bertolt sheepishly said.

I laughed, which surprised him, “Well, it's not like a random attacker is always going to be the same height as me. I should learn how to take on others of various statures.”

“I guess that's true... but it's not like we're being graded on our close combat skills.”

“If we were, I'd bet you'd easily get into the top 10 with your skills,” I smiled at him, “I'd be lucky to even get close!”

Bertolt returned the smile, and encouraged, “I'm sure you could do it, too. You seem very determined!”

I ran my fingers through my locks, not really knowing what else to say to him. I noticed him looking off forlornly towards a group of others who were also partaking in a sparring match. Eren was sitting on the ground, as Reiner broke off into a run to tackle Annie. She effortlessly threw Reiner onto the ground. I was shocked! She was so tiny, and managed to flip that muscled bull without any trouble at all. Annie was much stronger than she let on.

“Wow... I wish I could do that, too,” my mouth hung agape at the spectacle I just witnessed.

Bertolt brought his attention back to me, realizing we were both watching those same events unfold, “just keep practicing. I'll help you, [Name].”

I was surprised that he was so nice, and helpful; a gentle giant. Bertolt instructed me to get into stance and positioned my body in a way that he explained would help increase my agility to react to an attacker.

“Okay. I know this will be difficult to figure out in the beginning, but start moving before I get close to you,” Bertolt informed, “otherwise it'll be easy to read your movements. You have to prepare in advance. Since you're smaller than me, it would be best for you to use my body weight against me.”

I cocked my head curiously, “What do you mean use it against you?”

“When I near you, use my force to throw me down,” he explained, “but it might be easier to show you. We'll try a few times slowly, while I give instruction.”

I nodded, signalling I was prepared. Bertolt took my right hand and placed it on his left shoulder, “so, when I get this close to you, place your hand here, and your other hand here and grip tightly,” he guided my free hand to his right forearm, “now, with my momentum, move out of the way and throw me to the ground. Let's practice a few times before the real thing.”

Bertolt mocked coming at me in an attack, and allowed me to toss him to the side. He merely only stumbled slightly before catching his balance. We repeated this exercise a few times before he finally decided to try for the real thing.

“I think you got it. Let's try for real this time!” He smiled gently.

I got back into the stance Bertolt had earlier shown me, and prepared for this mountain of a man to make his move. He jolted towards me at a fast pace, and I used the technique. I quickly sprang off my dominant foot, moving my body out of the way and held him as instructed, propelling his body straight to the ground. Before Bertolt collided to the dirt, I made eye contact with Annie, who was watching the scene unfold intently. She smirked slightly before shaking her head and turned to walk off. I was too confused with the look on her face to notice as Bertolt hit the ground, sending a flurry of dust up with him.

“Wow, Bertl. [Name] totally kicked your ass!” Reiner's burly voice was heard calling behind me.

“That was awesome, [Name]! I didn't know you were so strong.” Eren also called out as he was running towards his sparring partner.

I felt a bit of pride well up inside me, and turned to help Bertolt to his feet, but Reiner was already assisting him. Bertolt gave me a meek smile and made no effort to defend himself.

“Bertolt just taught me that move. It was all him.” I gave him the credit, trying to spare him from any teasing. Although it felt good to be recognized.

“She's a quick learner,” he rubbed some dirt from off his shoulders, and continued to try to downplay his skills.

“You'll have to teach me that move, too!” Eren stated, grabbing my wrist and pulling me off to go spar with him. Not even giving me a chance to thank Bertolt for his help.

 

* * *

 

I returned from the bath hall to the girl's dormitories. It felt good to wash off all the dirt and sweat from the day's training. Annie was already in our bunk, and curled up to her side of the bed. The bed indented slightly as I lowered myself into it's comfort's, causing Annie to turn towards me as she was alerted of my presence.

“I saw you training today.”

Her voice made me jump slightly, as she typically wasn't one to start conversation, “Heheh. I saw you, too. You're strong as hell, Annie.”

She leaned onto her elbow, propping her body upright. A proud smirk painted her lips, “I was surprised with you, too. You know, that move he taught you was mi-...” She cut herself off, and remained silent for a few moments. A strange expression could be seen in her pale eyes. I was sure she noticed the curiosity coloring my visage as I patiently awaited for her to continue.

She finally proceeded, “sorry. I mean, it was pretty cool.” After the words left her mouth, her expression returned to it's typical dull state, and she rolled back towards the wall.

“Thanks, Annie...” I said, while lying down beside her.

I smiled to myself, thinking of today's events before drifting off to sleep.

However, I didn't see the pained facial expression that Annie held before sleep finally overtook her as well.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, folks. I'll try to update frequently if there's lots of interest in this story. Poor Bertolt has hardly any fanfics! :(


	2. All I Wanted was to be Close to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the second year of the Training corps: A little insight to what is going on in Bertolt's head with hints of jealousy, Reiner's altering personas, and winter training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your interest, everyone. I switch perspectives quite a bit this chapter, so I really hope it doesn't get too confusing. Enjoy!

“Wow, Bertl. It sure was nice of you to volunteer to help Marco and I with cleaning duties tonight!”

Pink dust dared to creep to his cheeks. He darted his eyes away from me as soon as I reached up to pat him on the shoulder in gratefulness. He was always so kind to me. I could always count on Bertolt to help me out. He sputtered out a short acknowledgement, “N-no problem.”

“Yeah, thank you so much, Bertolt. This is very kind of you!” Marco also thanked him, with a wide grin beaming across his face. Bertolt only nodded in response to him as he continued to work away.

Class had run a bit late this evening, as we were preparing for the winter training we would be undergoing tomorrow. We had to go over interpreting a map a few times, since Connie just could not seem to grasp it and had an endless barrage of questions. Everyone was groaning after each inquiry he spouted out that prolonged the instruction ever further. Luckily though, it seemed it finally clicked.

“Oh that's right. Whose in your squad tomorrow, [Name]?” Marco asked as he swept a large clump of filth into the dustpan. A copious amount of dirt was always dragged in everyday from the muddy boots of the cadets.

“I got paired up with Reiner and Bertolt, so I think I'll have a very capable team,” I told him while scrubbing the desks vigorously. I noticed Bertolt silently smile to himself, “How about you, Marco?”

“I'm with Jean, and Sasha. But I'm a little disappointed. You and I haven't gotten placed into a team together yet. I was hoping to get a chance to catch up with you!”

I rang out the wash clothe, spilling dribbles of water and suds onto the desk before proceeding to wipe it clean, “Well, we still have an entire year left of training, so I'm sure we'll get that opportunity.”

Bertolt looked curiously between Marco and I, “catch up?” he asked.

“Oh yeah, I didn't tell you? Marco and I grew up in the same town!” I nodded towards Marco, and shared a reminiscent smile with him.

Marco laughed, “yeah, I used to have a crush on her when we were children. But I was too shy to talk to her!”

Bertolt seemed to stiffen his body and hesitate his hand for a moment, before continuing his task of dusting the window sills, “O-oh..”

“He confessed that to me last year,” I snickered, remembering the silly situation, “Jean wouldn't stop hounding him about it afterwards.”

“Ah, typical Jean. He still keeps telling me I should ask you out,” his cheeks reddened a little bit. The two of us shared another playful smile. Bertolt remained still.

“Well, maybe I'd give ya a chance, but we'll have to get to know each other a little better first,” I winked at Marco in jest, earning another chuckle from the freckled boy.

“I-I'm finished!” Bertolt loudly interrupted, gathering his cleaning supplies in a hurry.

I turned on my heel to face Bertolt, relishing the feeling of completeness, “we're finished so early, we're actually going to get to dinner on time. You really saved our butts there, Bertl.”

“Don't mention it, I'm happy to help...” he quietly trialed off.

I also began collecting the cleaning supplies I was using to dump into the storage closet. Marco opened the closet door and I handed the goods to him, and grabbed the remaining items from Bertolt. Bertolt looked really nervous for some reason. I eyed him oddly before handing the duster to Marco.

“[Name]...” he said in a very meek and hardly audible voice, “I was wondering if... maybe you wanted to-”

“[Name], come eat with Jean and I! It'll give us a chance to catch up,” Marco unknowingly interrupted Bertolt from within the closet. The boy would never do so out of maliciousness.

“Sure! That sounds like fun, Marco,” I gladly accepted his invitation. Annie and Mina wouldn't miss me for the night. Mina was always busy with Thomas, anyways. And Annie, well... she would probably prefer some quiet time to herself.

Marco came out of the closet, closing the door behind him, “shall we be off then, m'lady?” he teased.

I laughed at him, giving him a light swat against his bicep, and waved him off. He went to stand near the door to wait for me.

I turned to look over at Bertolt before walking over to join Marco, “Sorry. What did you want to ask me, Bertl?”

He shook his head, “N-nothing. Don't worry.”

“Oh, okay then... well, come on. Reiner is probably waiting for you.”

Bertolt had a dejected look on his face, “y-yeah... I'll be right there. I just need to... do something really quick.”

I smiled brightly at him, not realizing that we had unknowingly hurt his feelings, “see you there, then. And don't forget your coat... it's chilly out,” I cheerfully waved to him as I left the classroom behind Marco. Bertolt only returned a limp wave and remained behind.

 

* * *

 

I sighed as I watched [Name] laughing with Jean, Marco, Connie, and Sasha. Marco and [Name] seemed to be exchanging childhood stories; she was swinging her arms around in a cute fashion as she retold her many memories. I fiddled the spoon around in my soup as I gazed onwards at her, repeatedly lifting the contents into the utensil, but letting it spill back into the bowl. My appetite was hardly present, which isn't like me at all. I am not really sure what it is I'm feeling right now, but what I do know is that I really do not like it. I let out yet another loud exhale.

“Is something bothering you, Bertl?” Reiner asked in between bites of his bread, sensing something was troubling me after releasing my third consecutive sigh.

“N-no! I'm okay,” I lied, and glanced over to [Name] again. Reiner managed to catch the flicker of my eyesight over to her. I should have known he was quick enough to see my subconscious eye movements.

“Are you disappointed that we're paired up with [Name] tomorrow or something?”

“What!? No, not at all. I actually really enjoy her,” I waved my hands around in dissuasion. Not wanting him to think I had any ill intention against her.

“Oh?” Reiner cocked an eyebrow. A perverted grin dared to creep up on his face, “you... _enjoy_ her?”

I bit my bottom lip at his remark. Reiner made that sound worse than I had intended, “I mean, she's my friend! I just like spending time with her. She's... nice to me.” I slid my hand behind my head and rested it on my nape. I tried to avoid Reiner's hard gaze, which only made me look more guilty. I felt sweat start to glisten on my brow, not knowing how to make this awkwardness cease.

Reiner smirked devilishly. I didn't like that look on his face. He glanced over to [Name], who was still exchanging laughter with the others. He looked back over to me with that knowing smile, and I swear I could feel the blood draining from my face.

“You like her, don't you?” he bluntly stated. Reiner wiggled his eyebrows at my reaction.

“What! No, I don't...I mean...” I felt a burning sensation raise to my cheeks as the blood returned at lightning speed.

“She's pretty cute, I don't blame you,” he smirked, while checking her out. It made me feel a little sick to watch his eyes travel across her body.

“Reiner! Please, she'll hear you..” I cupped my cheeks with my hands and pulled gently at my skin in panic. What would people think if they were listening to our conversation. Ugh! Thankfully the mess hall was loudly bustling with noise.

“I'll go talk to her for you. Maybe you can get some _action_ ,” His shit-eating grin was ever present stretched across his face.

He went to stand from the table, but I promptly and tightly grabbed Reiner's forearm in a giant protest of his actions.

“Reiner... I can't. You know this. We... _can't_ ,” I begged for him to hear the meaning behind my words, pleading him with the urgency in my eyes.

Reiner stared at me with an incoherent expression briefly, but his eyes widened as he caught on. A darkness cast over him. He returned to his seat, “... right.”

I let a little air blow out my pursed lips, as I felt relief wash over me. However, it seemed it wasn't quite over yet, when [Name] decided to come over towards us, leaning on her elbows to hold herself up atop the table.

“Bertl! Are you excited for tomorrow?” she said to me, with that gentle smile she always had when she looked at me. I tried not to melt into my seat.

“Y-yeah. I'm s-sure the three of us will d-do g-great,” I stuttered, kicking myself mentally. Reiner had a grim expression as he watched our conversation. What could he be thinking now? I really made myself look like an idiot.

“I'm really glad I have you two capable men on my team!” She placed her hand on top of Reiner's shoulder, which seemed to break him from his trance. The strict expression dissolved and was replaced with a small blush and a large grin.

Reiner met his eyes with mine, “Don't worry about a thing, [Name]. Bertl will protect you with his life!”

Reiner! What the hell are you doing! My face felt so hot. I hoped she wouldn't notice.

She stuck her tongue out at him slightly. _Oh god._

“I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, too! You know...”

The two of them continued bantering with blithesome. I kind of just faded into the background, as per usual and watched their exchange. I seemed to be really good at that. It's no wonder she never noticed me...

“Bertl, your face is so red, are you okay?” She said while placing the back of her hand on my forehead, conveniently breaking my train of thought.

“Y-yeah! I'm fine. Just a bit ... warm in here.” Reiner made stupid kissy faces at me while her attention was on me. God dammit, Reiner! His actions only made the shade of crimson darker. I'm gonna kill him...

She seemed to believe my lie, “well, okay... Anyhow, don't stay up too late. We have to get up early to ride into the mountains for our training. See you guys in the morning.”

I swallowed loudly, “good night, [N-Name].”

Reiner continued to stare at me with that smug grin for the remainder of the night.

 

* * *

 

I heard the crunching of the snow beneath our feet as we continued our trek through the mountain pass. It had already been nearly six hours since we first set out this morning. Who knew that winter training would be so difficult. We had not even made it to the halfway point yet, but I was feeling so exhausted.

“Are you okay?” Bertolt looked down to me, seeing my knees starting to wobble a bit from overexertion. The cold, biting wind and large flakes of snow clouding my vision was not helping the situation.

“I'm fine,” I lied. I wanted to be as competent as these two. They were not showing any signs of fatigue, yet. I didn't want them to think badly of me. I did not want to be the reason we were held back.

Reiner looked over his shoulder and back towards Bertolt and I, “according to the map, we're nearly at the halfway point. So we can rest a bit soon.”

I looked to Reiner with sad eyes. I was sure he could see how tired I felt, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. I felt like such a disgrace.

“Don't worry, I'm tired too...” I was sure he was flat out lying.

“I can carry you if you want, [Name]...” Bertolt timidly asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“No way!” I growled out, which caused him to recoil a bit. I'm not going to be a weak damsel in distress. I want to be like Annie or Mikasa! I'm sure they weren't struggling at all with this exercise.

I could tell the two boys were starting to slow down to a crawl to match my speed. I'm going to need to build more muscle in my legs to be able to keep up to everyone. At least Reiner was the one breaking the trail, so all I had to do was step into his large footprints in the snow.

I inwardly scolded myself and made a mental note to ask Annie to help me with some leg training when we returned to the barracks.

“There it is,” Reiner exclaimed, pointing towards a small cabin shrouded by several large firs.

A sudden burst of energy climbed into my stomach, and I raced passed the boys towards the cabin. Thank the walls for adrenaline. Bertolt and Reiner took chase after me. I threw open the cabin door and hurried inside.

“Where the heck did that come from?” Reiner laughed as he saw me collapse my body onto the cold floor and sprawl out my limbs. He lightly tapped my hip with his boot, earning him an exasperated groan.

Bertolt closed the cabin door, and started fumbling for his lantern from within his pack. After lighting it, he placed it next to me. Now that we were no longer moving through the snow, the sweat that covered my body began to chill. At least the harsh wind was no longer piercing my ice bitten cheeks. I tried to suppress my body from shivering.

Bertolt and Reiner sat next to my limp carcass, and began digging out rations from our packs. My stomach embarrassingly rumbled, which caused Reiner to once again laugh at me.

“Oh my god,” I hurriedly sat up and clutched my stomach, “I didn't realize how starving I was.”

Reiner threw a ration pack towards me, “eat up, we don't have too much time to rest if we still want to get a good score.”

I nodded while taking a bite from my plain tasting ration-cracker, trying to hold down my feelings of inadequacy. Bertolt must have noticed my dejected guise.

“Don't worry, you're doing great,” he encouraged, bumping his shoulder into me to catch my attention. My eyes widened as I noticed a great heat emitting from his body.

“Oh, Bertl. You're so warm!” I subconsciously scooted close to him, and rested my head on his shoulder. I was too exhausted to feel his body stiffen or to notice the cocky look and thumbs up Reiner was giving him. I buried my face into him and let myself snuggle in closer. I inhaled a deep, contented sigh, taking in his scent. He smelt of a musky pine and fresh rain.

I snapped my eyes open when I realized what I was doing, and pulled away from him in a overhasty manner. His eyes were wide and his face was cherry-red; he was stiff as a wooden plank. I'm sure my face was equal or greater to his with how hot it felt, “Oh my god, I'm so sorry!”

Reiner howled out in laughter, throwing his head back causing his hood to fall back while he was slapping his leg. I made a complete fool out of myself. Bertolt must be so annoyed with me. He didn't say anything, and just remained in his stoic state.

“What's so funny, Reiner!?” I appealed in embarrassment. Reiner only shook his head, and tried to muffle back his laughter. Bertolt was giving him an unreadable glare, and Reiner seemed to be avoiding looking at him.

Reiner stood to his feet and ruffled my hair, much to my dismay, “you're too funny, [Name].”

I ran my fingers through my hair to try to fix it again, and grumpily pulled my hood up. I finished eating my ration while trying to ignore Bertolt. He silently ate beside me while Reiner was readying our packs to continue on with our exercise. He grabbed one of the flag poles that were meant to be a marker of our presence here.

“The rest should be easy, since it'll be all down hill,” Reiner said, while he was scanning over the last of the map, “we should get going.”

“Right, let's go.”

I groaned, but got up to carry on the hard trail, not wanting to disappoint the other two.

 

* * *

 

I watched [Name] happily run off to the others after we were finished talking to our instructors about our awarded time of 9 hours and 12 minutes. It was a difficult journey, due to the blizzard. She plopped down into the snow next to Armin and the two immediately became engrossed in conversation. I went to go join the others, but Reiner grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back.

“Bertolt, we need to talk,” he had that cracked glare on his face again.

“What is it?” I squeaked, worried about what he was going to tell me.

“You need to stop getting so close to her...” he began, “Don't let her get involved with you. You know it won't work. She'll only interfere with what you need to do.”

I looked towards the snow covering my boots, and began shaking off the hard clumps, “Reiner, I know... you-”

Reiner's expression suddenly changed, and he began looking around in a panic, “Where is Krista? She's not here yet?!”

“What? Reiner, are you-”

Before I could finish my sentence, he ran off towards the others.

“Hey! Krista is missing.”

I watched him make a complete hypocrite of himself immediately after telling me to control my emotions.

“Reiner...”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the pointless fluff, but I thought it would be good for character/relationship building. Please tell me what you think. :)


	3. And I Dreamt of a New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in final year of the Training Corps. Reader-chan starting to come to terms with her feelings for tall boi, but with such awful timing. Reiner cockblock. Slight JeanxMarco if you squint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics and ~ symbolize a flashback, dear readers. There's a few of those this chapter; sorry about that!

I zipped around from tree to tree with my 3DMG. I was now able to stay upright without any issue; no more wobbling or problems with my balance. I was starting to really get the hang of it. Once again, Bertolt's kindness was able to help me with my training. He was always there to help me...

 _~_ ~~

_The hook shot out from my 3DMG, and hooked onto the nearest tree. I hesitated to use the gas to shoot my body up, as I knew I wasn't able to balance as well as the others yet. The concept didn't come so easily, and my abilities still seemed to be lacking. I was especially nervous as some of the others were watching me take my start. Luckily, many of the cadets who were much better than me had already sped off. Why couldn't they all go away! I sighed, and then pumped the gas and began to reel in the wire, propelling my body upwards. As I was nearing the tree, I quickly tried to figure out where I would place the next hook. My hesitancy caused me to shoot out too late making me come crashing down into the grass. My body rolled across the terrain, and the gear released from my hips as it was supposed to. I sat up, and rubbed my head shamefully, hoping no one had seen my pathetic tumble._

_Bertolt raced over to me, and landed gracefully next to where I had dropped down, “are you okay?”_

_I felt like he was always asking me that..._

_I deeply sighed in frustration, knowing that someone had indeed witnessed my struggle, and of course, it had to be him._

“ _I'm fine... I think I just hurt my pride,” I laughed dishearteningly. I wiped dirt from my face, feeling like an absolute fool. It felt like he was always watching me, “I just can't seem to keep propelling myself forward as quickly as you do.”_

_He offered his hand to me, again I took it, and he easily pulled me up to my feet._

“ _I think you're panicking too much. You need to find the next target **before** you reel yourself all the way up. I know it's a bit difficult in the beginning, but it'll become instinct the more you do it.” He collected my discarded gear and stood behind me to help reconnect it to my hips._

_I loudly breathed out as I heard the clicking of the gear, “I'm not like you, Bertl. You always seem to just know how to do everything.”_

_He ran his fingers through his hair at my words, and looked off towards the tall trees, with a scant blush daring to dart across his face, “hey now, you've definitely improved your balance. All you have to do is stop over-thinking it. Once you've connected, start using the gas to gain momentum, and then immediately shoot the next hook. After that, shift your weight in your hips to help maneuver which direction you want to move in.”_

_He gently placed his hands on my hips, rocking my body weight to one side. His face came very close to mine during this instruction. I could feel his breath dancing on my ear as he spoke. I began blushing madly from the contact, “For example, if you want to bank left sharply, you would move your hips like this.”_

_He must have noticed the red across my face and the wideness of my eyes, as he quickly retracted his hands and moved away. He must have not realized what he was doing was a little inappropriate._

“ _Ah, s-sorry...” the earlier pink blush dusted on his cheeks now became a scarlet red, “I-I didn't mean to get so c-close!”_

~~~

Why was I remembering this right now? The memory made me smile softly, and a strange sensation began to gather in the pit of my stomach.

If he had not helped me back in those first years of training, how would I have managed today? However, I needed to stop drifting into my thoughts, and focus. We're right in the middle of our final exam!

I held onto the large blades connected to my 3DMG, and searched my surroundings for a titan dummy. Bertolt had been right all along – I now no longer even thought about it. Shooting the 3DMG was pure instinct.

I saw Bertolt come flying from out of the trees to the left, quickly rushing ahead. He looked back towards me, and flashed an encouraging smile before continuing onward. I was jealous of his insane ability. Always watching his back as he sped away, unable to be caught. Especially not by me. I hope someday that I can match his skill.

Annie, Bertolt and Jean were able to make it to the dummies long before I was able to. They slashed the nape open to the exact mark needed, save for Jean. I really wanted to be able to slice the nape in the same way. Even Jean was miles ahead, even though he was so haughty. I landed my first strike on a titan dummy by jutting out the blades in an awkward motion. It was no where near deep enough to kill it. I remembered Bertolt's words, _use your bodies momentum from the 3DMG to glide your blades over the nape and don't hesitate._

Sigh, why was he always helping me? Someday I will catch up.

 

* * *

 

Today's final exam was over, and I was in the mess hall, sitting at my typical table with the girls. Everyone had finally graduated. It had been a strenuous three years, and I had gained many friends. I couldn't help but wonder who I would never see again, and how deeply I cared for some of the bonds I had made. Everyone was bustling about what regiment they planned on joining, excitedly gossiping about those in the top ten, and how much they would miss everyone they shared these years with.

I could definitely think of a few people I would desperately miss...

“Annie got into the top ten! She even got fourth place!” Mina shouted out with a cheer. I knew she would be. Even though she very much kept to herself, no one could deny her skill. Mina and I had not made it into the top ten, so our options were much more limited.

Mina excitedly asked Annie, “what regiment do you plan on joining?”

Annie lifted her heavy eyes towards Mina and I, “The Military Police.” Not a moment's hesitation to answer that question.

Marco and Jean walked up to our table, and Marco wrapped his arms behind me in a brisk celebratory hug, “[Name], we did it! We're finally finished with training! Our parents will be so proud!”

“I knew I'd make it to the top ten, there was no question in that,” Jean stated cockily, gesturing his hand on top his chest in a posh manner.

I smiled at the two, ignoring Jean's dopey antics, “congratulations, you guys. Now you'll be able to carry out your dreams, right?”

Marco nodded ebulliently and cutely scratched his cheek, as if he were embarrassed, “it'll be such an honour to work next to the king!”

Jean pushed Marco playfully with an impish chuckle, “oh, knock that shit off, Marco! You're such a goody-goody!”

Marco whined out Jean's name in a hapless protest of his words. I couldn't help but laugh at their tomfoolery. The two decided to join the table, Marco sitting next to me, with Jean across from him. They rambled on about their future within the inner walls.

“You're going to join the Military Police too, Jean?” Mina asked him, causing him to go into a long-winded speech about his choice.

“We can finally escape this shitty, suffocating front-line town!! A safe, comfortable life is waiting for us in the interior, right?” Jean loudly claimed, which, of course, caught the attention of Eren.

The two had always butt heads. They were both passionate about their very contrasting goals, and each had a very strong opinion on the topic.

I knew a fight was about to break out about this whole Military Police thing. Even though it was annoying, I would really miss these guys, and all the trials and tribulations I had experienced with them. I leaned my face into my palm and began to drift off in my own thoughts, as I really didn't feel like listening to this tired, old argument again.

I will really miss Marco, Annie, and Reiner. Even that jackass, Jean. Maybe Mina, and Armin as well, if they decide to join a regiment different than me.

And... Bertolt...

That strange feeling began to well up in my stomach, again.

That's right... Bertolt told me yesterday...

~~~

_I flopped down onto the grass after being dismissed from the final training exercise, stretching my arms and legs out. Feeling restless for the test tomorrow, but I hoped I was ready. I knew I wouldn't be able to get into the top ten, but I was hoping to at least graduate and become a soldier. I made it this far, anyways. Bertolt had really helped me along the way and watched me grow these past few years._

_As I let out a long complacent sigh, I heard that familiar sound of 3DMG reeling back into it's holster. Someone jumped down from the trees nearby and I heard their footsteps glide over to me. I continued gazing up to the sky, when Bertolt's tall body towered over me and blocked the setting sun from my vision. I flashed him a welcoming grin, and pat the grass next to me. He made himself comfortable, and looked off to the dimming sky, with a small smile upon his lips._

“ _You did really well today,” he told me. Almost sounded as if a small sense of pride was hidden in his voice._

“ _Thanks.. but I probably would have never made it this far without all your help.”_

_He shook his head, “It was just some guidance. You picked it up on your own pretty well after that.”_

_I sat my body up from my lethargic position, and looked towards him. He made eye-contact with me briefly, but quickly broke it to look towards his knees._

“ _Hey, Bertl... if you get into the top ten, which I'm sure you will... Which regiment do you plan on joining?”_

_He looked back at me with wide eyes, but once again began looking to his knees, furrowing his brow. He seemed to waver in his response, “I **have** to join the Military Police...” _

_I smiled halfheartedly, feeling a little sad that I knew I would not be able to join him, “I knew you would. You're very skilled, so there's no doubt you'll get to live out your dream.”_

_Bertolt did not respond. My heart began to fill with an unknown sorrow. I closed my eyes, as soft words fell from my lips, “it's a shame that these three years went by so fast...”_

_I hope he couldn't detect the pain I felt, in my words._

_A hushed silence hung over us for a time. There was nothing I could do to change the reality; Our lives would soon change. Suddenly, Bertolt broke the silence, “[Name]...”_

_I shifted my body to face him, not realizing the close proximity between us. His face was only inches away from mine. I felt my heart begin to race, thumping against my ribcage. Especially the way he bore into my eyes with such a pain varnished in his dark orbs. What could he be thinking?_

“ _I... My... My **mind** tells me to join the MP, but...” his eyes flickered with a nearly unreadable hope, that I wasn't quite sure if I read correctly, “my **heart**... tells me to follow another path... I want to live... a different life than the one I've been given...”_

“ _W-what do you mean, Bertl?” I shivered, not breaking our fixed gaze; subconsciously edging my body closer to his. I sensed he was also closing the gap between us. He began to slowly reach out , presumably to touch my face to pull our nearing lips the final few centimeters. My erratic heart felt like it was going to burst._

“ _I want to live a new life with-”_

_**CLANG CLANG CLANG** _

_Bertolt's words were cut off by the sound of the training regiment's bell tolling, signalling it was time to go to the mess hall for supper. The two of us instantly pulled away from each other, acting as though whatever was about to happen, never even happened at all. We stared at each other with wide eyes, as several other trainees came rushing by using their 3DMG; everyone needed to return the gear before dinner. Reiner dropped down to where the two of us were sitting together._

“ _Come on, Bertl. Let's head back,” he said in a voice that dripped with annoyance, before shooting a wire out towards the mess hall. Bertolt's brow dotted with beads of sweat. He stood up and quickly followed his friend, without ever looking back to me. I felt a few tears begin to well up in my eyes..._

~~~

I snapped back to reality when I felt Mina shake me slightly, “Hey [Name]! I asked you a question!”

I shook my head, slightly dazed by my memory. I looked across the table to see Jean cupping his now swollen chin in his hand, and Marco rubbing his back comfortingly with a worried look on his face. I was so zoned out that I hadn't even noticed Eren and Jean smacking each other up.

“Oh, sorry! What was it?”

“What regiment did you want to join? I'm going to join the Survey Corps!” She proudly said, “Eren really left a influence on me.”

Of course, Eren must have given yet another speech on the outside world.

I looked down to my hands, a small sadness budding within me, “I.. I don't really know, yet.”

“Well, that's okay. You still have a few days to figure it out.” Marco smiled at me from across the table, before returning his attention to Jean. I solemnly nodded in response.

I thought back to my earlier memory, and glanced over to where Bertolt was sitting. He was surrounded by several others; Reiner, Connie, Sasha, Ymir, and Krista. They were all back to celebrating the successes of the day. Except Bertolt; he looked pained. The way he looked made my stomach unexpectedly knot up. I kept staring at him, wondering what it was he wanted to say to me yesterday evening. Reiner never left his side today, so I wasn't able to talk to him privately. I worried I would never get another chance to... be with him. He would be gone, and joining the MP, and then I would lose my opportunity forever. Our friendship would soon be coming to an end. Could he have...? No, that's foolish of me to think.

My heart began to ache.

“Why are you staring at him?” Annie stated, abruptly. Marco and Jean's eyes snapped to her from the harshness they heard in her voice.

I quickly averted my eyes, my cheeks bursting scarlet, “I wasn't staring at him!”

I had no idea if she knew exactly who I was gazing at, but I figured she was sharp enough to figure it out. Annie hummed, looking at me inquisitively. She seemed to decide against asking any further questions, and took a drink from her mug.

Mina looked between us, as she was not really sure what was going on. The only thing Mina noticed, was that I looked very embarrassed.

“Staring at who?” Jean asked curiously, raising his eyebrow at my flustered face.

I excused myself without answering, leaving behind my tray of unfinished food, and suddenly left the hall. I hadn't heard Jean, Marco, and Mina calling me to come back to the table.

Bertolt overheard the three clamorously calling out my name, and then noticed me sprinting out the door. He went to stand to see if I was okay. However, his eyes met with Annie's who seemed to be glaring daggers at him. He didn't hesitate to sit back down and began sullenly looking towards his fumbling hands atop the table.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I've made it obvious enough in these 3 chapters, but the reader is supposed to be a little insecure about herself (Hell, who isn't?), so she believes that Bertolt would never have feelings for her.


	4. But then I Remembered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half Bertolt's point of view, half reader's point of view. Lots and lots of angst from both sides. Bertolt struggling with his feelings, and his duty. Reader learning to deal with the loss of her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Anime, season 2 spoilers from this point on. If you have not watched it/read it, then I highly suggest you avoid until then. Also, swearing, and some violence/gore.

I quickly finished my meal for an excuse to follow [Name], without Annie sending death glares in my direction. Reiner leaned against me as I scarfed down the last of my bean soup, and shot me a strange look. His face was very stern and angry for a brief moment, but then quickly broke into a grin as he ruffled my hair. Lately, it seemed he drifted further and further from our goal. The longer we stayed here, the more his personality changed. The more difficult it was to remind him of our purpose. His hardened, warrior's soul had been tainted with a kindness to these people.

However, I was no better. No matter how hard I tried to keep to myself, I couldn't stop thinking about... her. I was often lost in a daydream of what our lives would be like if we could be together. If I didn't have this cursed task... If I wasn't a short-lived **warrior**...

“Go get her, Bertl.” Reiner said with that same knowing smile, effectively breaking me from my train of thought. I widened my eyes, and tried to deny his claim. Reiner only laughed, and patted me on the back with gusto, knocking my body forward a bit. I continued to try to brush him off as I got up to leave the mess hall. Reiner let out some hoots and catcalls, which I desperately tried to ignore. Were my feelings so obvious?

Only hours ago he was yelling at me for being a failure of a warrior, and now he's encouraging me to make my move? I can't handle Reiner's personality breaks, anymore. I don't know what to do about it, anymore...

It was like my body moved on it's own. My mind kept screaming for me to stop, but my heart refused to listen. I felt a nervousness well up inside the pit of my stomach, as I began my stride over to the dormitories. But before I was even able to overcome my anxiety, a voice spoke out behind me.

“Bertolt,” she commanded in her typical strict tone. I could not bring myself to face her, and instead hung my head towards my feet. She must have known of the weakness growing in my heart.

“You have to stop this. Now,” Annie blatantly stated, “one idiot is enough, Bertolt.”

I could only continue to stare at the earth below my feet.

“Remember what you have to do tomorrow.”

She left before I was able to muster up a response. She was right. I wasn't allowed to have these feelings. I would only end up hurting [Name].

I don't know how long I stood still in that spot, staring at the ground, before I finally decided to go to the boy's dorm in defeat.

 

* * *

 

My eyes abruptly flickered open from the sound of birds chirping a merry tune past the window. My face was snuggled into Reiner's leg, with my leg stretched across his chest; my foot pressed against his chin. It was a miracle he was able to sleep so soundly next to me. The nightmares that haunted my mind had always made me so very restless; I would often toss and turn all night. How else would I end up in a position like this?

I took in a deep inhale, catching my breath in my throat, as I remembered that today is _the_ day. This peaceful life I have been living is likely about to be over. And I was never once even able to hold her in my arms. Not that she would want to hold me, if she knew what I was...

I felt a deep sadness grow in my heart.

I rolled out of bed, and placed my feet onto the cold wooden floor. No one else was awake yet. I was sure my eyes were bloodshot as my groggy eyelids stuck to the dryness of my cornea. All night, I couldn't stop worrying about her. What if she gets hurt because of me? Worse, what if she... dies? Could I carry that sin? My shoulders are already so heavy.

I pressed my hand into the curve of my face, holding it against my palm. I tried so hard to keep the tears inside.

 

* * *

 

I guess it's a good thing that no one notices me. I was able to easily slip away undetected after the assignments were rattled off. Maybe [Name] noticed me sneaking off, as she seems to be the only one who pays any attention to me... No, it's foolish to think she cares about me like that. I'm just... a monster. I don't deserve to be cared for.

There were several soldiers making their way to their post on top of the wall, so it definitely didn't look suspicious for me to use my 3DMG to climb up the wall. I chose a fairly desolate area, either way. After climbing over to the other side and making my way towards the gate, I felt that same worry begin to bubble in the pit of my stomach.

Please don't be there, [Name].

I bit my hand, piercing the skin deep enough to draw blood. A loud crack of lightning split through the ceiling of the sky, and my body was enveloped with hot flesh. Vapor emitting from my new physical structure.

It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the new sensory information my titan was receiving.

She was standing there, staring directly at me. Her eyes filling with insurmountable fear.

Fuck.

The look in her eyes broke me inside, causing me to hesitate.

I would never hurt you. I don't want to hurt you... Why do you have to be here right now?

I did not want to do anything at that moment, but I needed to react to the situation. I prayed that [Name] wouldn't be hurt. I had spent a lot of time helping her hone her skills, so I will just have to believe in her.

I contracted my body to release a moderate amount of steam to push the soldiers from the top of the wall, so I could destroy the cannons without having to kill any of them. When I was sure they were out of the way, I raised my enormous leg to kick open the gate with a loud crash.

After the steam dispersed, Eren alone had already made his way up to begin his attack on me. I was surprised; he wasn't just talk after all.

I lifted my gargantuan arm and slammed it across crest of the wall, to remove all the cannons; the debris flew everywhere. Eren was nimble to evade my attack, as my movements were slow to those much smaller. I felt his hooks pierce my skin to try to make his way towards my nape.

I had finished the task I was given. I did not want to be responsible for anymore deaths. I needed to get out without Eren seeing me. I let out yet another burst of vapor, clouding the surrounding area, and left my titans body. I used the remains as a smokescreen to slip away without being noticed to go back into the safety of the wall.

Back to where I was a **solider**. Back to where I could protect her. Even if from afar...

I'll always watch over you. I won't let anything happen to you, [Name]...

 

* * *

 

 So much had happened over the last few days, I didn't know what to believe anymore. I sat on the ground, huddling my face into my knees, trying to hold back a sob. So many people had died. My friends...

Marco was gone...

Mina was gone...

Like so many others from the 104th cadet squadron, they had perished protecting the city of Trost after the Colossal Titan had smashed in the gate. It was another tragedy, just like five years ago. Only this time I had actually seen the Titans. The most horrifying experience I have ever lived through. I had just watched them tear apart my comrades, pulling the limbs from their bodies and devour them as blood-curdling screams escaped their lips. I could only stand there as I heard the excruciating shrieks and felt their blood rain down onto my useless form. I was too afraid to do anything.

If only I hadn't ran out of the mess hall that night. If only I had another moment to spend with my friends. If only I could have one more night of gossiping with Mina until dawn, or one more friendly embrace from Marco. If only...

How would I ever be able to face Marco's parents?

Why! Why...

In some cruel miracle, I was the one who managed to escape with my life, while so many others lost theirs.

We only managed to 'save' Trost, as Eren was able to somehow transform into a Titan and thanks to that, my life was spared. He managed to plug the hole in the wall with a gigantic boulder, stopping yet another catastrophe from occurring. I don't know how it was possible at all, and I'm sure no one really knew. But we had won against the titans, for the first time ever. Could anyone deny that this was a victory for humanity?

But this didn't feel like a victory, at all.

Tears pierced from the corners of my eyes, as I watched the pyres burn the corpses of my dear friends. Annie stood beside my crouched form, but no words dared to escape from her. Her body was trembling ever so slightly. Her usual calm and collected self was lost, and she appeared to be struggling with the grief internally. I couldn't bring myself to speak to her. I knew if I tried, the sobbing would never cease. Even though Annie was always so closed off, I'm certain she also thought of Mina as her friend.

Annie suddenly walked away from the flames. I figured she could not take the sight anymore, and needed her solitary solace.

Which one of us was going to be next?

This life was too cruel. This world was a cruel place.

“[Name]...” I heard him call out from behind me. It took everything I had to bring myself to look back over my shoulder towards him. Bertolt's eyes began to fill with tears as soon as his met with my heavy ones. He saw all the sorrow of my lost comrades within me and the streaks of torment that glided down my cheeks. He reached out as if he were trying to touch me, but seemed to reconsider and retracted his hand.

He sputtered out, “I-I'm... so sorry..”

After those words, he suddenly left. I didn't have the strength at that moment to follow him. I instead spent the remainder of the night sobbing alongside Jean, until the last ember burnt out.

 

* * *

 

 Even though our friends had died, and their sleep would never come to an end, morning still came. Today, the surviving cadets from the the battle of Trost now needed to choose which division of the Military we would join. The atmosphere was entirely dispirited, when only nights ago we shared so much hope and happiness and excitedly dreamt of this day.

I still wasn't sure which regiment to pick. Jean had gravely declared last night at the pyre that he would be joining the Scout Regiment. I admired his courage, but couldn't be sure if I was so willing to die for humanity. The titans were terrifying and my resolve had faltered.

I knew tonight would be the last night I would ever see Bertolt, but I couldn't bring myself to even talk to him. The two of us would periodically share glances with each other, but it seemed we were both too nervous to approach one another. I'm so afraid to let him see me cry again – I didn't want to waver his resolve to join the Military Police. He would be safe there. He wouldn't have to shed anymore tears for his fallen comrades. He wouldn't have to know when I finally breathed my last.

There is nothing left for me in this world.

A superior officer loudly announced for all the trainees to face the stage, and await the commanders speech. The remaining 104th lined up along the stage to hear the Scout Regiment's proposal declamation.

Erwin went on to state that most likely the majority of the trainees who joined would meet certain death. That we would also be taking place in an expedition outside the walls in one month's time. He also relented that Eren would be fighting on the Survey Regiment and plans to retake Shinganshina district to reach a basement that apparently held the truths of our world.

But that still didn't seem to be enough.

Commander Erwin's speech was alarming. This will likely cause so many to leave and join the Garrison. His words were not impervious to my will, either.

I was scared. Terrified. I don't want to be eaten.

After his speech had finished, many of the cadet's began to disperse. I still hadn't made up my mind. Was I willing to throw my life away for the sake of humanity? I'm definitely not a suicidal bastard, like a certain someone else... But what was my life worth now? Were all my friends going to die without me knowing?

I quietly turned to see which of my comrades decided to stay. My vision immediately landed on Annie, as she quickly turned on heel to walk away – I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

I searched the crowd for Bertolt. I at least wanted to see him one last time.

To my surprise, all I saw was Bertolt turning back to watch Annie and the others leaving, as well. He wasn't moving along with the crowd.

What?

He placed third. He was going to join the Military Police. That's what he had told me that night. Did he change his mind?

Bertolt turned back to face the stage, but he seemed to catch sight of me looking at him. His jaw dropped open slightly in a clumsy motion, and he still had that pained looked in his eyes. His eyes seemed to be holding a silent plead.

But what were they trying to say? Do you want me to stay here with you, Bertolt? Can I... die along side you?

I broke my gaze with him, and turned toward the stage. I finally made my decision. If I have to die, at least I will die alongside my friends. I'm still scared, still deeply frightened. But what is this happiness growing in the pit of my stomach?

I can be together with him, after all. Maybe what he wanted to tell me that night, was that he wanted to be together with me. The same way I want to be together with... I shook my head, clearing that silly thought from my mind.

Why would Bertolt want such a thing? He must have been talked into joining the Scouts by Reiner. Or maybe even Eren.

“Very well! I welcome the newest members of the Survey Corps!” Commander Erwin bellowed, “This is a real salute! Devote your hearts to the cause!”

At that, I pounded my fist to my heart, alongside several other brave souls. My determination was renewed.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the angst... there's going to be a lot of that from now on. :(


	5. My Heart wasn't meant to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new recruits finally move into the Scouts' old barracks, and Connie comes across the hidden nectar of distraction, before the expedition beyond the walls. Something to help everyone forget... if only for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Alcohol use, swearing, and some strong angst.

The door swung open with an eerie creak, and the lot of us peered into the nearly spotless room. It was told that the Levi squad had scrubbed each surface in the old barracks to it's entirety, making the room shine with it's immaculateness.

“I'm claiming this one!” Sasha announced, while barreling past the remainder of us, knocking my body forward slightly as she rushed by. She belly flopped onto a single-person bed, and stretched her limbs carelessly.

It was going to be odd, getting used to sleeping without someone next to me. Hell, is was going to be odd never seeing Annie anymore, even if ours was a reposeful friendship. I hoped she would enjoy her new life in the Military Police. She was the only one to end up joining, in the end. It was really depressing to think that I've lost so many of my friends, now...

I wasn't really close with any of the other girls, so it was going to be lonely. We were only acquaintances, really. But with Mina gone, I was going to need to try to fit in with the rest of them...

I waited till the others had picked their beds from the few empty ones, and I took a remaining one in the corner of the hall. Mikasa had claimed the bunk above me, while Ymir and Krista were sharing the one next to us. The majority of beds were already occupied by the senior Survey Corp members, so us new recruits were bunched together in this area adjacent to the wall.

I rested my belongings onto the mattress, and unclasped my new Survey Corps cloak. I held it up to stare at the symbol sprawled across the back; the wings of freedom.

What would you look like in this, Mina? This is the regiment you sought after. I... I hope I can make you proud.

The words that Jean spoke, right before we were lead off to our new rooms, reverberated in my mind.

_Not everyone can die unconditionally for Eren's sake, like you._

Those words were meant for Mikasa. But I was beginning to feel like I could die for my friends now, if I could protect them. Isn't that what Mina and Marco did? I wanted their deaths to mean something. I want mine to mean something, too.

I felt my body begin to faintly shiver as my eyes began to gloss over due to their memories. How was I going to go on, without them by my side?

A hand rested on my shoulder, “Are you okay, [Name]?” Krista pulled me out of my trance. Her voice soft with concern.

I quickly folded my cloak and laid it on the bed, before I turned to face her, wiping my hand gingerly against my eyes, “Yes, I'm sorry.”

“This must be hard for you,” she began, “I know you were always with Mina and Annie... I want you to feel welcome with us.” Her face lit up into a genuine smile. I couldn't help but be astonished by her kindness.

Ymir wrapped her arm around Krista's shoulder protectively, pulling her into a tight one-armed hug, “that's my sweet little Krista for you. Always looking out for everyone.”

Krista giggled cutely, pushing Ymir from her, “Come on, Ymir. She's been through a lot. You better be nice to her!”

“Yeah, yeah. I will,” Ymir offered me a curt nod. I expected this was her way of extending her friendship. I had only ever seen her be so affectionate towards Krista. She was standoffish to everyone else around her.

“And just give Sasha food, then she'll be your friend for life,” Mikasa dangled her legs from the top bunk, interjecting into the conversation. Her expression was as serious as ever.

“Hey!” Sasha lifted her body from her nearby bunk, “that is so not true!”

Everyone turned their guise to her in disbelief. The prying eyes must have caused her to break.

“Okay, maybe it's... a little true,” she sighed, shrugging her shoulders sheepishly with a dopey grin.

I couldn't help but raise the corners of my lips into a small smile, as I scanned my eyes around the room. My gaze landing on each one of them, as they continued to tease Sasha. Everyone was being so kind to me, and making me feel so included. I was so grateful to them. I really needed to surround myself with positivity as I mourned for my friends.

“Thank you... everyone,” I told them, my voice barely above a whisper, daring to crack. Everyone returned the gesture of a friendly smile.

The door to the girls room creaked as someone peaked in, causing us all to turn towards the lingering sound.

“Psst, Sasha!” Connie called out, in a loud whisper, bringing his hand inside and waving it towards himself, in a movement to direct her attention. Sasha cocked and eyebrow curiously, and went to see what Connie wanted from her.

Connie swept his hand through the air to motion for Sasha to come closer and cupped a hand to her ear to whisper his hot little secret. She nodded a few times while he spoke, and then a devilish grin broke across her face. Connie pulled away from her, lifting his pointer finger and thumb into an 'OK' sign, and closed the door. As if he was never there at all.

We exchanged confused glances among each other as Sasha skipped back over to our group. Sasha huddled in towards us to let us in on the little secret Connie had told her.

“We're having a little get together an hour after curfew in the empty mess hall on the main floor... Connie found a stash of liquor,” Sasha was barely able to keep her excited voice down, not wanting to alert the senior scouts that also occupied the room.

“Will Eren be there?” Mikasa asked as she climbed the ladder down from the top bunk, to help keep the conversation on the hush-hush.

“Yeah, I think so,” Sasha nodded, letting her accent creep out a bit, “he said 'all the boys' were comin', so ya'd think.”

“Then, I'm definitely coming,” Mikasa blushed slightly, clutching her scarf towards her lips. Her eyes glazed over as if she were lost in a daydream.

“Yes, let's all go have some fun,” Krista smiled, gently clapping her hands together.

I groaned, not really feeling in the mood for these kind of shenanigans. Maybe I'd just stay here when they all decide to sneak off...

Ymir lightly elbowed me in the side, causing my body to stiffen upright, “Oh, lighten up. This will be good for you.”

It was like she was reading my thoughts. I tightened my lips into a line, and nodded at her relentless glare. She smirked knowing she had easily won me over. I let out a short puff of air in defeat.

“Yeah, as long as we don't get caught. Besides, we should have one last hurrah together before we set out on the expedition. You know, just in case...”

The ambiance became deflated once again, as the others looked towards me. I didn't want to think about losing anymore of my... friends.

“I-it's okay, guys...” I tried to wave off their worrying eyes.

“Stop that, Sasha.” Ymir interrupted, waving the air in front of Sasha's face, as if she was mocking a slap at her, “Let's just go try to have some fun,”

Nods were seen all around, as we set our plan in stone.

 

* * *

 

Curfew had quickly come and gone. Krista was staring at me, wide-eyed from her bed. She was lying on her side, with her head propped up under her tightly knit hands. A few snores could be heard throughout the room, and a steady stream of rhythmic breathing. We were sure the others had long fallen asleep. Krista nodded towards me, just as Mikasa popped her head down from her bunk, startling me a bit as she wore that stringent expression. I let out a hushed gasp, and Mikasa threw her finger to her lips in an agile way to signal for me to keep quiet, warning me with her highly-lifted eyebrows and wide eyes.

Ymir tip-toed towards Sasha's bunk, who was long snoring away as well. She poked Sasha's butt, which caused her to snap her eyes open, snorting back on her last respiration. She shot Ymir a groggy and confused glance before her mouth shaped into an 'oh' as the plan pieced back into her mind.

The five of us reticently glided our feet along the floorboards as mutely as possible to make it to the door which desperately needed oiling. Ymir was tasked with opening it, the hinges screeching causing us all to recoil. The sound seemed to echo so much more loudly in the silence of the night.

We had done it. None of the other scouts seemed to be alerted of our escape. After softly crawling our way to the first floor, where none of the others should have been able to hear us, we broke out into a brisk jog. We closed the door of the mess hall behind us, and a whirl of giggles and laughs bust out amongst us, as we were all surprised we had managed the feat.

“Glad you could make it, ladies,” Connie welcomed us, waving us over with a mug already in his hand.

Reiner smirked at our group, raising his mug in a greeting, “Yeah, this wouldn't have been any fun if it was a complete sausage fest.”

“Oh, piss off!” Ymir scowled at him, crossing her arms and popping her hip out.

A few benches and tables had been pulled close to the fireplace, where a small fire was gently ablaze, casting a light on the faces of the boys. Connie and Jean were sitting at a table with what appeared to be several bottles of wine, and one bottle of hard liquor; all of which would later become known as Gelgar's secret stash. Eren was on a bench, next to Armin who already had a small blush of drunkenness across his face. Lastly, Reiner was sitting at another bench that was pushed up against the wall, with his knees splayed apart. Bertolt by his side, who seemed to be swirling the contents of his drink around in his mug, intently staring at it's essence.

Mikasa made a bee-line to them, and sat snugly in between Eren and Armin; Armin took the hint and scooted over to accommodate her. She immediately began doting on Eren, who only offered an eye-roll as he handed his mug to her.

The rest of the girls found a seat, as Connie and Jean began handing out our beverages. Everyone started chatting avidly with their peers, sharing laughs, and making sounds of disgust as they tasted the alcohol.

“I'm happy you came, [Name],” Jean smiled lamentably, while offering me one of the mugs he was carrying. I returned his countenance, and went to sit in the last free space next to Bertolt, who seemed to be watching our exchange.

Bertolt ducked his head again, and took a large gulp of the drink in his hand. His face scrunched up from the taste.

“H-hi, guys,” I squeaked out, feeling considerably more timid around Bertolt than I ever had before. I felt the need to occupy my nervous hands, and jutted the mug to my mouth as well. I'm sure my face crumpled in revolt as the liquid hit my taste buds. Walls, was it a bitter flavor. I couldn't fathom how people enjoyed such crud.

Bertolt bid me a limp smile as a greeting, before Reiner slapped his back, suddenly knocking him forward. Bertolt was barely able to keep his mug in his hands, but luckily for him it was already emptied. He noticed me peering at his barren mug, but he only avoided my gaze.

“Bertolt wasn't going to come, but he decided to show up when Connie told him you'd be here,” Reiner sneered at his lanky friend. Bertolt immediately stiffened and shot a warning glare towards Reiner. Reiner stood with that cocky grin still plastered on his face, taking Bertolt's mug from him, and left the two of us to get a refill.

“I-it's just... we haven't talked since... well, you know...” Bertolt's voice was soft, but a hidden panic could be heard. I wondered what he was so worried about.

It was my turn to gawk at the liquid in my mug, “yeah, I know. It's my fault, really.”

Bertolt shook his head, “... no, I think it's mine. I-”

He stopped his words, and bit his bottom lip. I searched his face, but it seemed whatever he wanted to say wouldn't quite come out. Maybe he couldn't find the right words. I didn't want him to feel intimidated by me. We were so close in training. Why did everything feel so awkward between us now?

I sighed, “No, it's definitely mine. I've been kind of holing myself up. I've just been depressed, since... Trost...”

His head drooped even further. His hair falling over his eyes, causing a darkness to line over his face, “I'm so sorry, [Name]...”

“It's not your fault, Bertl...” He visibly winced when I said that. I placed my palm on his forearm reassuringly, causing his eyes to finally meet with mine. There was something hidden in those dark orbs. So many emotions, and a very deep, and clear pain. I worried I had done something to hurt him.

Reiner returned to us, and I moved my hand away from Bertolt. Bertolt once again began drinking the contents that Reiner had jutted into hands, hurriedly.

“Hey, slow down, big guy!” Ymir called out from across from us, “there's going to be none left for the rest of us!”

Krista giggled, her cheeks dusted pink, seemingly intoxicated as well. She lightly leaned onto Ymir's shoulder, closing her eyes, “let him... _hic_... drink all he wantssss, Ymirrrr!~”

The group burst out into a fit of laughter at Krista's slurring. The mood suddenly felt warmer.

“Hey, guys,” Connie brought attention to himself, raising his mug into the air, “this is to us! For having the courage to join the Survey Corps and make a difference for humanity!”

“To killing all the titans and one day freeing humanity of this cage!” Eren added, earning him a couple of eye-rolls. He hadn't changed much.

“And to venturing to see _hic_ the outside world!” Armin squeaked, his words breaking from his inebriation.

“To protecting the ones we love...” Mikasa quietly added. I smiled at her words, butterflies swelling up in my stomach as my mind drifted to... him.

I glanced over to Bertolt, who looked dumbfounded by my soft smile I directed towards him, before raising my mug to the air, as well, “here, here!”

We all exchanged merry cheers, clinking our mugs together and spilling our liquor and ingesting it's sweet aberrations.

 

* * *

 

It was a wonder we weren't all caught, by the ruckus we had been making. It's a good thing this castle was so large, and the soldiers' rooms were on the highest floor.

At least an hour had passed since all the girls arrived, and our supply was dwindling down. I stared down to the bottom of my mug, which I had emptied again for at least the seventh time. I could feel that my face was flushed, and my inhibitions seemed greatly lowered.

It felt good to forget... to forget everything. The only thing that was filling my mind was... her. I watched her as she was happily dancing around with a _very_ drunken Armin who could hardly stay on his feet, to the beat of the others singing jolly tunes and clapping out a beat.

How I wished to be Armin, right now. I wanted to be the one holding her hand in mine, and pulling her waist close. I want to be the one to make her smile, make her laugh. The one to... to love... her.

The sober me would only be thinking of the guilt I feel, and the hatred I hold for myself. How I couldn't let myself succumb to this weakness. How she deserved so much better... But not tonight, for I was a sloppy mess. The room felt it was spinning, and my face was lit up into a goofy grin, singing along with the rest of them.

I don't know how much time had passed when the party started to die down. Ymir was carrying an unconscious Krista out of the hall, as a strangely sober Mikasa and Reiner were tidying up the hall to hide our tracks. I hadn't even noticed that [Name] had already left the mess hall. The fog of alcohol was beginning to leave my system, and I was a lot more aware. My head started to pound with a strange sensation.

I was lucky I hadn't thrown up, after the amount of alcohol I had ingested. Connie was the first to get sick, followed by Sasha, and then Armin...

I decided to slip out of the hall, while Reiner was distracted. I wanted to see her. I wanted to... feel her embrace, and ... kiss her. I want to tell her how I really feel... Right now, while I still have this courage.

I stood up, still feeling a bit woozy and began to search for where [Name] had run off to. I held myself upright by holding the wall for balance, peeping into some of the abandoned rooms on the main floor. I finally heard a muffled voice from one of the rooms. I wasn't sure if it was her, but maybe whoever it was would know where she went off to.

I opened the door slightly to peek inside, when I heard a soft sob fall from her lips, causing me to sober up in a hurry. She was crouched over on the floor, crying into her hands, with Jean huddled next to her.

He was comfortingly rubbing circles up and down her back, “shh, shh... It's okay.”

“M-Mar-co..... Mi-na.. th-they're g-g-gone...” she let out another loud sob; her body convulsing.

Jean pulled her into a hug, allowing her to sob into his chest, while running his fingers through her hair tenderly, “I know, I know...” He seemed to be fighting to keep his own tears inside.

I shut the door, not allowing myself to interrupt their intimate moment any further. I leaned my head against the wood of the door, and felt tears begin to prickle at my tear ducts. I tugged at the fabric of my shirt, above my chest, feeling a hollow stinging sensation deep inside.

_Fuck. Fuck me... Bertolt, you fucking moron. You worthless piece of shit. How could you..._

Tears began to flood out my orbs, dripping down to stain the floorboards with my hurt. My heart crumbled into a pile of worthless trash waiting to be discarded. I deserved it. I deserved every bit of pain I felt, every sharp stab, and every dull ache.

_I hate... me._

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me! Jean and Reader-chan DO NOT have a thing. They're just both mutually grieving over the loss of their close friends, and are able to find comfort in each other.


	6. The Promise we Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events surrounding the expedition outside the walls, reader-chan's first titan kill, and a very, very slight physical confirmation of feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: minor titan-killing gore that should be expected as this IS Shingeki no Kyojin.

**BANGBANGBANGBANG**

My eyelids peeled away from my bloodshot eyes, awakening to the horrible sound ringing throughout the halls; a throbbing pain vibrating through my skull. My hand instinctively shot to my forehead, trying to keep what felt like my brain from oozing out my ears. My mouth felt like an arid desert, and my throat was scratchy. I attempted to swallow, which only caused me to cough as there wasn't enough saliva produced from my glands.

“Wake up, you shitty brats!” Lance Corporal Levi's voice rang out from outside the door. He didn't sound too pleased.

Multiple groans were heard from within my vicinity, as well as the sound of sheets ruffling as the others thrashed about. I turned over to see an extremely groggy looking Krista, who was also holding her forehead, as she propped herself on her other elbow. A little patch of dry drool stained the area beneath her lip.

“Ugh, shuuuut up!” Ymir called out from above her, tossing her pillow at the door in protest of the knife-like sound.

Clearly the wrong move, as the door slammed open, Squad Leader Hanji's boot holding it wide. She was holding a metal ladle, and a cooking pot; a manically grin stretched across her face before beginning to bang it again.

“The faster you get your butts out of the bed, the sooner it will stop~” Hanji sang in a voice dripping with sarcastic cheer, while repeatedly whopping the ladle to the pot. The wretched sound continued to pierce our eardrums.

It must have been obvious to them that we had been involved in some sort of misconduct last night. Our unmistakable hangovers were being used as a form of punishment. All of us scurried out of bed, and began gathering our uniforms to change. Anything to make the high pitched sound of metal being beat cease.

We scurried to line up with the other scouts, after we had quickly dressed and exited the barracks. The boys of the 104th were hot on our feet, lining up right after us. I don't think any of us expected the after effects of the alcohol to be this harsh.

Before Levi could continue to berate us for our stupidity, Erwin arrived to give his final debriefing before our mission outside the walls. The Long Distance Formation was keenly knocked into our skulls at this point, either way, as we had spent a lot of time in classroom prior to migrating to the new barracks. I prayed this mission would go well, and that I wouldn't have to lose anymore friends.

 

* * *

 

I felt a lump start to form in my throat, my mouth remained dry. I instinctively kept licking and smacking my lips, trying to rehydrate them. I was getting nervous. The steed I was straddling began to shuffle it's hooves around from sensing my apparent tension.

“Hey, hey... it's going to be okay.” I ran my palm along the side of the horses neck, and pat his mane. I was sure I was mostly speaking to myself. Anything to help me relax.

I was placed on the left flank for this expedition. I had memorized my comrades positions nearby. Sasha, and Mikasa were in the formation in front of me. Over to the left, was Bertolt.

Bertolt... of course he was nearby.

I looked over to see him ardently staring at me from his horse. I was a little taken aback when I caught his gaze; I opened my mouth to speak to him, but was promptly interrupted by Commander Erwin yelling to advance. All the soldiers around me began instantaneously riding off with the crowd. Of course I followed suit, but I couldn't shake the fear as I left the safety of the walls.

Immediately as we exited the gate, a titan had made it's advance towards the formation. Luckily the support squad took it out as the troops ran past it. I tried my best to keep my eyes forward, not wanting the fear to overcome me, but such proved difficult and I'm sure it showed on my face. It was a completely different world out here. The ground was flat, once we made it past the abandoned city. The level plane would make it difficult to use 3DMG. My only chance if a titan attacked, would be to attach my hooks to the titan itself. I wasn't sure if I would be able to survive such a feat. I was a little reassured that my especially strong comrades were nearby.

Erwin announced to break into the Long Distance Formation; Bertolt galloping next to me.

“Please be safe,” he told me with a worried expression, before beginning his dash away. I was only able to nod to him as I watched his horse stride towards the outer left flank.

It felt like time was moving in slow motion. I felt so alone, even though the others were still nearby. The sound of my heartbeat was in rhythm with the hooves of my horse beating the earth. I knew it would only be a matter of time before another titan attacked. Fortunately being close to the rear of the formation meant I was less likely to have a titan reach my ranks.

A red line of smoke shot off towards the sky a distance in front of me. I spoke too soon.

I knew that the purpose of this formation was to avoid titans as much as possible, as that fact had been bashed into my brain with all the training over the last month. But I also knew that wasn't a fail safe strategy. There was still going to be titans that were missed due to issues with terrain. I quickly loaded up a flare and shot it off to the sky.

Merely moments later, I saw a strange, crawling titan a distance in front of me. Steam emitted from it's skull – it must have received some damage from the troops further up. I began to panic, trying to steer my horse in another direction. I wasn't sure if my horse could carry me past the titan fast enough; using all four of it's limbs gave it a speed advantage. I made a hasty decision in my terror that my only option was to fight. I took a deep breath before pulling a blade out of the holster and tried to mentally prepare myself.

I pleaded with the gods as I jumped off my horse, pumping the gas and attached the grappling hook of my 3DMG to the thigh of the titan. Just as I started to reel myself close to it, it turned towards me at terrifying velocity. It's large jaws opening wide, giving me an agonizing view of the saliva that would soon mix with my blood. I felt tears rush to my eyes and I clenched my teeth together as I was sure I was about to meet my maker, but another soldier rapidly attached their hook to the titan's neck and slashed the nape. The titan's face crashed into the ground, and it's body became limp as it skid across the earth, uplifting the surrounding dirt with it's mass.

The breath I didn't realize I was holding rushed out my lungs. A great relief washed over me.

I released the hooks and slid to a stop on the grass, when Bertolt jumped down from atop of the titan carcass. Of course it had to be him saving me. He probably made his way over straightaway when he saw me shoot off the red flare.

“T-thank you!” I called out to him. My words felt like they were tearing open my throat from the amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins.

I knew that he really did save my life, but I really had wanted to pull it off on my own. If this stupid fear would stop overtaking me, maybe I could do it. To hide my fright from him, I thrust my fingers into my mouth and began whistling for my horse to return. I didn't want him to think I was weak. I wanted to look put together and like I was in control of myself. I want to be strong, like he is. I don't want to always be the one who has to be protected.

Bertolt brought his horse over, and extended a hand towards me. I eyed him oddly, but quickly realized my jittery horse was no where to be seen and we shouldn't lag too far behind from the protections of the formation.

He pulled me up and I straddled the horse's saddle behind him; wrapping my arms around his waist for stability. The horse began swiftly galloping towards the others. The adrenaline finally subsided in me, followed by a sudden wave of nausea. My body began to shake and my breathing was hitching in panic as the realization of how close to death I truly was flooded my mind. I gripped Bertolt tighter, pulling his body close and rested my head against his back while breathing through pursed lips to try to regain my composure; hoping he couldn't feel my heart beating ferociously against him.

He looked over his shoulder at my shivering form. Small beads of sweat forming on his brow, and his lips curling into a troubled frown.

“Don't worry, [Name]... I promise I won't let anything happen to you..”

 

* * *

 

I was perched on a large branch in the safety of the giant trees, next to Bertolt with Ymir leaning against the trunk nearby. She was running her eyes across the two of us peculiarly. Several titans were below us, clawing at the bark in desperation for our flesh. The scent of blood lingered throughout the air.

“Have you guys seen Krista?” she asked, in between the loud booms that were echoing a distance away.

“No, I haven't,” Bertolt answered her, as I was too busy balancing myself while looking nervously at the titans below. The number of them surrounding us made me feel quite uneasy. How were we supposed to get back down to our horses? I guess we would have to clean them up before we could return home when the mission ended. I felt the color draining from my face at the thought.

“Are you feeling okay?” Bertolt asked, noticing my pallor complexion.

“Mm. I'm just a little worried. I wonder what those sounds could be,” I responded before he could start worrying about me.

“I don't know. I didn't see them take any cannons...”

“I... I really hope everyone is okay,” I felt my hands again starting to shake a little, as my thoughts drifted to Marco and Mina. I didn't want the anxiety to overtake me again. I was supposed to be... strong.

Suddenly Bertolt grabbed my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine, which made me send a curious look towards him, but he refused to look towards me. His gaze remained forward, his lips were held together in a tight line, and a pink was growing on his face. I wondered if he was feeling as apprehensive as I was, or maybe he was trying to comfort me?

I gave him a reassuring squeeze and rubbed my small thumb across the side of his finger. Ymir muffled a laugh at what she was witnessing between us.

“What's so funny, Ymir?” I asked her, feeling a bit of embarrassment bubbling in my chest.

A cocky grin dazzled her face and she opened her mouth to speak, but before she was able to answer me, an enormously loud, blood-curdling scream could be heard screeching from within the forest. The three of us tensed up from the sound and Bertolt began squeezing my hand in a vice-like grip.

All the titans that were gathered below the trees suddenly broke into a sprint towards the innards of the forest.

“What?!”

I pulled my hand out of Bertolt's strong grip before he crushed it and drew my blades. Our superior commanded for everyone to engage the abnormals. I quickly took chase to the fleeing titans, not hearing Bertolt calling out my name or telling me to wait. My hooks attached to the neck of a 6 meter titan. I needed to prove to Bertolt that I could handle myself, so he didn't need to always watch over me. I did my best to hold the panic inside, and glided the blades across the nape when I neared the titan. Blood splattered across my face and body as I eviscerated the mark.

A large chunk of tissue flew from the wound as the titan fell to the ground, and I felt a bit of pride swell in my stomach. It's blood was already beginning to evaporate from my clothes. However, there were too many titans, and too many moving far too quickly for us to eliminate them all. Our superior ordered us to disengage. I returned to another tree, with Bertolt swiftly on my tail.

“What the hell is going on?!” I shouted out in my disarray, to no one in particular. Bertolt began perspiring profusely with an incredulous expression painted across his face. I placed my hand against his arm, but he recoiled at my touch, causing me to retract. He looked into my eyes with such hysteria that I felt the blood once again drain from my face. The two of us stood in silence for a long time, staring into the darkness of the forest where the scream echoed and the mindless titans had run towards. Time felt as it had stopped, but finally a blue flare streaked across the sky; signalling our retreat.

Before my team was able to withdraw, a multitude of cries rang through the forest. Bertolt lowered himself to a kneel, and he buried his face in his hands, his body shivering. I didn't understand why he was suddenly so afraid. I brought myself behind his crouched form, and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, resting my head towards the crook of his neck. His body eased it's shaking below my grasp.

I whispered, just loud enough for him to hear, “Please... don't worry, Bertl.. I promise... I'll protect you, too.”

 

* * *

 

The wall back to Karanes district was finally on the horizon. I galloped my horse alongside Bertolt's, who hadn't said much since the both of us heard those terrible screams from within the forest. The sound still haunted me. Whatever it was that Commander Erwin wished to accomplish on that expedition was apparently an utter failure. Nearly everyone left alive had a dejected presence about them, as there were once again heavy losses. Death was becoming the norm.

When we arrived back within the walls, everyone was instructed back to the Survey Corps barracks. Over the next few days, several meetings where held between Commander Erwin and Corporal Levi; I couldn't help but feel something more was going on.

Eren was summoned to the capital, and the orders that the 104th squadron received was to stay on stand-by at a southern barracks until a truce could be reached. 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, reader-chan is too oblivious. 
> 
> Sorry if this chapter wasn't too exciting. However, a storm is on the horizon...


End file.
